Carolyn Hax: Sister calls 85-year-old mother ‘selfish’ for not moving

My sister is furious that our mother won’t move, calling her selfish and saying she will no longer be available to help her. I think our mother has the right to make her own decisions and I don’t understand why my sister is so angry.

I really don’t want a family rift at this point in our lives. How can I help my sister understand our mother’s wishes?

— Trying to keep the peace

Trying to keep the peace: The biggest problem I see here, for you, is that every problem in your letter is more of a problem than you realize. So I’ll address them one by one in reverse order, hoping to explain (or fix!) the gap.

First, your signature: This is not about peace. It is about needs and the ability of the three of you to understand, anticipate and meet each other’s needs, respectfully and realistically. So if you continue to focus on “keeping the peace,” you will remain as you are now, helplessly on the outside looking in. To put it bluntly, I am sorry.

Next: The word “gap” is probably correct, but the bigger issue is frustration. It’s mutual, I’m guessing, between your mother and sister over the inappropriate… let’s call it chronology of their thinking.

Your mother is in the now. I don’t blame her for this. She is a healthy, competent adult with her own life, and it doesn’t take an oracle to see why she doesn’t want to move. I wouldn’t either.

Your sister is in the future. I don’t blame her for this. There is so much I can’t know about your mother’s immediate circumstances, including how valid your sister’s concerns are. It may be a decade before your mother needs help from either of you, if ever; her peers may be multigenerational; her home may have been chosen or adapted for aging in place; one of you may need her before she needs you.

But there’s something we can all know, just because we’re talking about life here: No matter what her circumstances, her “now” will come to an end. It certainly doesn’t take an oracle to see that an 85-year-old and her car keys aren’t a long-term relationship. And while we all need a Plan B at every age, and your mom can hold on for years, her independence is increasingly facing immediate challenges.

Next: If she’s totally okay with this reality because she assumes you and your sister — who live far away — are her plan B, then your sister’s frustration starts to make sense, right?

Because even loving, generous support across difficult distances takes a physical, emotional, and economic toll—on both caregivers and recipients. Yes, it can. Families wear out airports and highways for each other every day, and perhaps the three of you will eventually choose to do the same when the need arises. But it’s too big and too much to take on—and it’s too sacred a promise for “available to help…as much as possible” to cover it.

It’s a commitment that requires a plan.

So, here’s the thing: Calling your mom “selfish” definitely doesn’t help, and neither does your sister’s moodiness – and if your mom doesn’t want to move, then your mom doesn’t want to move, and then she might not need you or your sister again for years or ever, and all that.

But: in her own lamentable way, whether or not it was her selfless motive in the first place, your sister is pleading for some kind of rational communication about What Comes Next, hoping it never comes to that, a future in which Mother’s independence is extinguished.

We know your mother blocked your sister’s proposal. Does she have any bigger what-ifs? You would all benefit from putting your preferences forward while you still can.

By perhaps naively supporting your mother in her ‘now’, you have unknowingly contributed to blocking conversations within the family about the future.

I have reached the beginning of your letter, which shows that you all love each other and want to stay close to each other, support each other and be involved with each other.

So don’t “keep the peace”; value communicationYou can’t support each other if you don’t know how to do it. And that starts with listening well.

Both mom and sister talk without being heard. You can hear your sister’s fear (too far away to help mom). You can hear your mom’s fear (losing herself). You can ask to talk, when they’ve cooled down, about everyone’s Plan B, not just mom’s — because life has its own ideas. And because you can’t be there for each other if you’re just guessing where “there” might be.